


The Problem Is, They're The Asbo5 And There Are Only Four Houses at Hogwarts

by aimmyarrowshigh



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Misfits
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-20
Updated: 2011-01-20
Packaged: 2017-12-12 14:49:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/812783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aimmyarrowshigh/pseuds/aimmyarrowshigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Simon’s wandering invisible through London late one night – because really, it’s amazing what one sees when they’re invisible, isn’t it? What people will do when No One’s Watching – when he sees this dingy little pub on Charing Cross Road between a bookshop and a seedy-looking record shop.</p><p><i>The Leaky Cauldron</i>, Simon mouths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Problem Is, They're The Asbo5 And There Are Only Four Houses at Hogwarts

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings** : Spoilers for Series 2 of _Misfits_ , spoilers for _Harry Potter_.  
>  **Disclaimer** : I don't own anything. All characters, settings, and proprietary language are owned by the author of the work from which this is derived. 
> 
> ORIGINALLY POSTED [HERE](http://aimmyarrowshigh.livejournal.com/29286.html) on 20 January 2011.

** The Problem Is, They're The Asbo5 And There Are Only Four Houses at Hogwarts **

**  
_001._   
**  
Simon’s wandering invisible through London late one night – because really, it’s amazing what one sees when they’re invisible, isn’t it? What people will do when No One’s Watching – when he sees this dingy little pub on Charing Cross Road between a bookshop and a seedy-looking record shop.

 _The Leaky Cauldron_ , Simon mouths.

He blinks.

Simon’s not illiterate; this is the sort of thing he knows. He fucking _knows_ The Leaky Cauldron, and there’s just this moment that’s completely like _what. the actual. fuck._ until he remembers that he’s, you know, invisible at the time, and in a year or so he’ll become a time-traveler, so he’s really got to stop doubting that anything’s possible, hasn’t he?

So Simon sneaks through the shabby, ancient, welcoming pub – and even though he’s invisible, he can tell some folks are looking at him, and that’s unnerving as hell – and goes to the brick wall at the back.

He steels himself. Maybe he’s got it all wrong, yeah? Could just be a really really fucking good cosplay club or something. 

But all the same, he counts three up  
and two across  
and steps back in shock, going visible again, as the bricks melt down around him and rebuild themselves into an elegant archway.

 ** _002._**  
Nathan frowns as he looks at the veritable wallpapering of posters along a low wall in Diagon Alley.

He pulls a girl aside, pretty-type, right, red hair in that shade that screams the curtain matches the drapes, and he jerks a thumb at the posters and says,

“Who’s this wanker, then?”

Ginny Weasley gives the Irishman a look that could curdle milk. “That’s Harry Potter, dolt.”

Nathan looks at the posters again. He’d never really been all that interested in Harry Potter. He figured he’d got the run of the plot when he was fifteen and rented _Hairy Pooter and the Chamber of Semen_ , and that was enough to convince him it was only mildly his bag. Harry Potter looks like Barry, actually, but with glasses and sort of scrawnier and more wanksty . 

“And what’s all this ‘Boy Who Lived’ bullshit?” he asks the redheaded girl, and her brown eyes blaze up as though she’s like to murder him there on the street.

Which, you know, incidentally, is kind of his point, though he’s not gotten there yet.

“Were you born in a bloody bin?” Ginny asks, her hand itching to fetch her wand from her pocket. _Who_ , who, hadn’t heard of Harry Potter? “Are you seriously that dim?”

“Look, I’m just wondering if this bitch is immortal,” Nathan says as mildly as Nathan ever says anything, his hands raised a little like, _lady, chill_. “’Cause I am.” He points to himself smugly. “I’m the fucking Boy Who Lives!”

He sounds a little hysterical at this point.

And Ginny Weasley looks at this – this smarmy Irish cunt, cocking his hips up at her like he’s expecting something, who honestly doesn’t fucking know who _Harry Potter_ is – and she seriously considers playing off that he’s a Death Eater hiding in Muggle clothing when she drags his dead body into the Ministry, but that isn’t what Ginny Weasley does.

Unfortunately.

What Ginny Weasley does do is cast an, erm, specially localized Bat-Bogey Hex and leave Nathan Young flailing wildly on the street corner as vampire bats begin to nest in his balls.

 ** _003._**  
Here’s the thing: Kelly has actually seen _Harry Potter_. She saw the first one twice, even, so she knows who Vincent Crabbe is. He hangs about with that blond bloke, the good-looking one who’s like, evil or whatever, but not really, or whatever.

But really, after shagging a fucking monkey, is a Slytherin really all that much worse?

 ** _004._**  
Alisha isn’t really sure how she feels about this whole other world. It makes Simon so happy, though. And Kelly’s got a boyfriend who isn’t, you know, a gorilla or Nathan, so… that’s good. But it’s a weird place, the Wizarding World. Like, yeah, electricity doesn’t work and all, but it’s like being caught in some kind of backwoods time where people never moved beyond wearing capes and eating like, medieval food and the radio is fucking impossible to tune because it has its own taste in music and it does not agree with Alisha’s at all.

And on top of that – well, witches and wizards are just as affected by her power as Muggles, and so for Alisha, and Alisha alone, the world hasn’t really changed.

She’s sitting at the bar at the Hog’s Head, drinking something that tastes vaguely of stewed apples and celery and waiting for Kelly, when this blonde-haired –

Well, that’s not quite right. Her hair is like… it’s like sunshine coming out of her head, or like… actual, real gold, really nice, like Jack got for Billie that one time at 6th Form, yeah, before he knew she was shagging Murphy – 

girl sits down beside Alisha and orders this blue thing with ice that doesn’t seem to melt.

Alisha feels herself staring and tries, really, to stop. But she can’t. This woman is the most obscenely beautiful person – thing – Alisha has ever seen and her brain can’t quite comprehend that whatever it’s interpreting from her eyes is really there. 

The woman laughs lowly and looks over to Alisha.

And her eyes widen in surprise. “You are part-Veela, non?”

Alisha is taken aback. “Non – I – fuck, no.”

The blue (that’s not even the word for them, but _lapis lazuli_ seems too maudlin) eyes consider her carefully and for a second, just a second, Alisha can see this great angry leatheren prophet bird living inside this woman, with huge, spanning, scaly wings and tremendous deadly power…

And for the first time, for just a second, Alisha can feel _her own_ wings, tucked up nice and safe beneath her shoulders, shifting and that from the inside, they’re lighter than air.

“You are,” says Fleur Weasley, smiling indulgently at the beautiful little Veela-babe. “Your powers are not a curse. You can control zem. You just need the motivations. When you find someone who you wish to see you properly and wiz ze understanding of what you are – zen your powers do not work on him anymore.”

Alisha thinks of Future Simon, and swallows. She knows it works. She has for a long time now.

It’s just that she finally knows what ‘it’ is.

 ** _005._**  
Curtis is not a fan of adding wizards to the mix. They can control their powers, right, and he and Alisha and Kelly and Nathan can’t, not that it’s a bad thing for Nathan because he really gets killed _a lot_ , but the fact that they can do things consciously and the rest of them can’t makes Curtis really uncomfortable.

So really, after that, add in magical objects and animals and he’s rewinding time really frequently lately.

He goes back once to stop Kelly buying a love potion that stops her heart when Nathan stops speaking to her.

He goes back again to stop Simon going into the woods that night, because it turns out werewolves are real and they can see invisible people, and really, Simon doesn’t deserve that. He makes Alisha happy; he should stay in one piece.

He goes back to stop Alisha from petting that cat, because it’s actually an old woman and it’s really very awkward when she starts pawing – humanly – at Alisha and begging for pussy. Not just because of the wordplay, either.

A few times when he goes back, he runs into this girl with bushy brown hair and an hourglass around her neck. She gives him an odd look the first time, a smile the second, and the third, they stop for a lengthy discussion about time-travel paradox, because… well, what’s the rush? 

He’s Back to stop Nathan from being killed by an incensed Quidditch referee the first time Curtis Donovan gets on a broomstick.

And can that boy _fly._ No one’s ever seen speed like that, agility and ease; he’s better than a Wood or a Malfoy or even a Weasley or Potter. Curtis Donovan catches the snitch before Nathan can knock it out of the sky with his cock and cause the referee to bash his skull in with a bludger, and he grabs Nathan Young around the waist and pulls him down to the ground and shoves him in the mud besides (which sends out perhaps the largest cheer of the whole game).

And he does it all in under eight seconds.

He’s signed to the Pride of Portree by next evening, and he sends for Nikki by owl and they get a little flat in Hogsmeade with frilly purple curtains (they keep trying to change them, but they switch back whenever they’re not looking). 

Maybe the Wizarding World isn’t such a bad place for Curtis after all.

 

 

   
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